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Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld
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Review
"Hold on to Your Kids blows in from Canada like a Blue Northern, bringing us genuinely new ideas and fresh perspectives on parenting. The authors integrate psychology, anthropology, neurology and their own personal and professional experiences as they examine the 'context' of parenting today. This is a worthy book with practical implications for mom and dad."—Dr. Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia and The Shelter of Each Other"Hold on to Your Kids is visionary book that goes beyond the usual explanations to illuminate a crisis of unrecognized proportions. The authors show us how we are losing contact with our children and how this loss undermines their development and threatens the very fabric of sociey. Most importantly they offer, through concrete examples and clear suggestions, practical help for parents to fulfill their instinctual roles. A brilliant and well written book, one to be taken seriously, very seriously."—Peter A. Levine Ph.D., International teacher and author of the best selling books: Waking the Tiger, Healing Trauma and It Won’t Hurt Forever, Guiding Your Child through Trauma "The thoughts and perspectives presented by the authors are informative — even inspirational — for those who choose to dedicate their lives and energy to students."—Bulletin of the National Association of Secondary School Principals"With original insights on parent-child attachments and how parents can restore them, this is a book for revitalizing families and rekindling the song in their children’s hearts."—Raffi, children’s troubadour, founder of Child Honoring Society Institute"With simple ideas and steps, this book is directed not only to parents, but to all those — educators, social workers, counselors — whose lives and work bring them into contact with children."—Quill & Quire"Though this is Neufeld's personal theory, Maté (Scattered Minds, When the Body Says No) has expressed his colleague's ideas in precise and hard-hitting prose that makes complex ideas accessible without dumbing them down. The result is a book that grabs hard, with the potential to hit many parents where they live."—The Edmonton Journal"[M]ay serve as a loud wake-up call for mothers and fathers….this one offers what many of the others do not — that rare commodity known as common sense."—Winnipeg Free Press"With the benefit of 30 years of research and experience, Neufeld has crafted a coherent, compelling theory of child development that will cause an immediate frisson of recognition and acceptance in its readers. His approach has the power to change, if not save, the lives of our children."—National Post"The authors present doable strategies to help parents help their kids. If their advice is taken to heart, there’s hope there will be more warmth and security all round."—The Georgia StraightPraise for Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté, M.D."Rare and refreshing. . . . Here you will find family stories, an accessible description of brain development and sound information. You will also find hope."—The Globe and Mail"An utterly sensible and deeply moving book written for a general audience."—The Vancouver Sun
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From the Inside Flap
A psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting issues joins forces with a physician and bestselling author to tackle one of the most disturbing and misunderstood trends of our time -- peers replacing parents in the lives of our children. Dr. Neufeld has dubbed this phenomenon peer orientation, which refers to the tendency of children and youth to look to their peers for direction: for a sense of right and wrong, for values, identity and codes of behaviour. But peer orientation undermines family cohesion, poisons the school atmosphere, and fosters an aggressively hostile and sexualized youth culture. It provides a powerful explanation for schoolyard bullying and youth violence; its effects are painfully evident in the context of teenage gangs and criminal activity, in tragedies such as in Littleton, Colorado; Tabor, Alberta and Victoria, B.C. It is an escalating trend that has never been adequately described or contested until Hold On to Your Kids. Once understood, it becomes self-evident -- as do the solutions. Hold On to Your Kids will restore parenting to its natural intuitive basis and the parent-child relationship to its rightful preeminence. The concepts, principles and practical advice contained in Hold On to Your Kids will empower parents to satisfy their children's inborn need to find direction by turning towards a source of authority, contact and warmth. "Something has changed. One can sense it, one can feel it, just not find the words for it. Children are not quite the same as we remember being. They seem less likely to take their cues from adults, less inclined to please those in charge, less afraid of getting into trouble.Parenting, too, seems to have changed. Our parents seemed more confident, more certain of themselves and had more impact on us, for better or for worse. For many, parenting does not feel natural. Adults through the ages have complained about children being less respectful of their elders and more difficult to manage than preceding generations, but could it be that this time it is for real? -- from Hold On to Your Kids "From the Hardcover edition.
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Product details
Paperback: 352 pages
Publisher: Ballantine Books; Reprint edition (August 15, 2006)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0375760288
ISBN-13: 978-0375760280
Product Dimensions:
5.2 x 0.7 x 8 inches
Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.6 out of 5 stars
233 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#1,155 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
I'm so happy to review this book because it absolutely changed my life and my daughter's life forever! I will be honest with you and tell you that I was at my wit's end. My 13 year old, who used to be a sweet kid became constantly defiant and depressed at home. The kid who obviously loved me, I'm a really cool mom, now ignored me and rolled her eyes. Her grades were suffering and she began stitching into her skin during school. This is when someone sews shapes into their skin with a needle and thread. So I got this book.I read the book very quickly because it resonated so strongly with all I was going through. Our society values peer influence so highly and at such a superficial level that we are losing our kids to isolation and hopelessness disguised by technology and unhealthy friendships.I pulled my daughter out of school in her last semester of 7th grade. This meant that she would have to repeat 7th grade and be a year behind. As a single mother with her and a baby, as well as a full-time career I committed to homeschool her. We worked out a strange schedule of night and weekend study focused on real life skills and developing her values system. She was indignant...at first. After the first two weeks things started to ease. She began applying herself more, she softened, started taking great love and responsibility with her sister and with our home. I followed the advice of the book and rebuilt our relationship and the tenderness we have for each other. She was honest with me! She broke down and told me about all her fears and walls.The girl that just wanted to be on the internet or texting in bed was now going to the gym several times a week, going for walks with the kids around the neighborhood, volunteering to help younger students learn to read and really working on improving our family relationships. She stopped yelling at me and ignoring me!! She reached a healthy weight, she was way too skinny.During that one school year we did two years of work and caught her up. She entered high school today, right on schedule! She held my hand as we drove to the bus stop. She was excited about meeting new kids and really applying herself at school. This week she received an award for her volunteer service over the past year. Also, on a daily basis, I have people tell me what a remarkable and intelligent child I have. Last year, she was depressed and aloof, people were concerned about her.Reading this book led me to make a very difficult decision that I thought was absolutely beyond my capacity as a mother. I believe if I hadn't put her first and done everything I could to get her away from her unhealthy friendships that I would've lost her forever and her academic possibilities and life possibilities would have suffered severely. No one agreed that I was doing the right thing! (The school, her father, my mother, no one understood why I needed to this.) This book gives practical step-by-step instructions to get your kids back from unhealthy destructive behaviors that are becoming more and more prevalent as a result of our current culture. If you are losing your child people act fast and be brave. It was the best decision I ever made.
For the first few chapters of this book, it's a page turner with many valuable insights. This may be one of the most critically important books a parent can read (and I've read many). In my degree, we had to study the human mind, behavior, and the subconscious, so I have basic knowledge. This book offers something important most other books overlook. My copy is dog-eared on almost every page - each page contains a gem.Intuitively, we understand the concepts Neufeld outlines - about children, peers, and the harm that comes from inappropriate attachments to peers and from weak parental attachments. But society thrusts upon us the notion that peer relationships are so necessary and healthy, kids must be "socialized" from infancy on, and children naturally stop being close to their parents in grade school and it's normal for them to rebel completely and want nothing to do with their parents by - or before - adolescence.I grew up in the big city public schools and saw firsthand the negative behaviors and saw how girls were taken advantage of. I saw how kids sell their true inner selves out just to fit in with a bunch of (equally clueless) kids. I saw how everyone desperately tried to "fit in" with a false image sold to them by the media. I watched as they lost their self esteem. Many kids became absolute nightmares to their parents. Others were outwardly respectful, but led double lives and were up to no good.I noticed some negative reviews said Neufeld is too cynical and kids really need strong friendships. I think those people are misguided - or maybe they haven't witnessed what really goes on with kids these days. Maybe they believe it's normal or don't realize that - throughout the history of mankind, this was not the case, and this behavior and societal structure is completely unprecedented. Which is not to say kids don't need friends. But Neufeld's book suggests they need to "follow the leader" and it needs to be a trustworthy, solid adult leader. Not other kids. Kids shouldn't "lead" other kids. Who better to learn manhood and womanhood from, but from grown adults? Traditionally, men and women taught their sons and daughters to become men and women by being with them, children would work with or help out their parents. Relatives and neighbors helped, peers were more peripheral as they would be likewise busy with their own families. Which is not to say human life throughout history was nirvana! But school simply didn't exist as it does today. Young humans didn't spend all their time with same-age companions, largely unsupervised.So, I think Neufeld's book is very insightful. And yes, as some negative reviews noted, he sounds a bit melodramatic. But as a therapist in the trenches for decades, hearing families discuss the battlefields in their homes, can you blame him? When kids are peer-attached, it is often extremely dramatic - and traumatic.The reasons I didn't give 5 stars:The author thinks it's not that parents are any less loving, competent or devoted than always, it's just kids are peer-attached due to modern social structure. I partially disagree. While the modern social and economic structure doesn't help matters, I believe many parents are distracted by electronic devices, careers, personal interests, or other things. In that void, kids find attachments to fill the void, and many parents are (at least until the behavior problems start) relieved when their children busy themselves with gaming, peer attachment, or whatever else keeps kids busy and out of their hair. Parents could examine their own behaviors and ensure they don't drive children to peers for their own convenience.A second reason is, the book would benefit from better editing. The first few chapters are fascinating but it becomes repetitive and - as another reviewer noted - sometimes wordy which made it a bit tedious, but didn't lessen the value of the work. I've seen the author speak on youtube, he's brilliant but rambles a bit.The third reason is, at the end, things are worded oddly. It sounds rather manipulative the way he advises us to get our children back if they're peer-attached. I actually get what he's saying, but some passages come off wrong, they make it sound like he's advising sneaky emotional manipulation. He probably doesn't mean it that way... Or maybe he does feel "all's fair in love and war" if children are strongly peer-attached and out of hand. Still, it is worded in a way that could put some people off if they take it wrong.In any event, Gordon's concise, intelligent, insightful explanations of child attachment, of behavioral issues, of the dynamics leading to this situation are worth reading. It could prevent many problems experienced by parents, prevent the sad disintegration of emotionally healthy childhoods, the tearing apart of families. Most parenting books contain helpful tips but they're - at worst - misguided, and mostly teach about putting a band-aid on the parent-child relationship wound. This book is about preventing the relationship wound, or - if it's already been inflicted (however innocently) - cleaning it out, healing it, and preventing further injury.His ideas may seem quaint and old fashioned to some, but that doesn't make them any less valuable. Worth reading.
I'm a physician. An M.D. I've raised 3 children, ages 33, 30, and 28. I've struggled through multiple drug abuse with one child, and gross insecurity in 2 others. Although I have been a believer for several years in unconditional love, I struggled with the application in my relationships. Until this book. A parenting book that explains unconditional acceptance. With the book half-finished, convicted of its truth, and with tears in my eyes, I began practicing unconditional acceptance with my children several months ago as i slowly digested the remainder of the book. The rewards, especially with my child who was a drug addict for 14 years, have been nothing short of miraculous. If you buy only one book on parenting in your life buy this one.
It is not an exaggeration to say that this book is changing my life (and therefore the lives and trajectory of my children). I keep telling people it is like a giant permission slip to parent as your heart initially tells you to! We give birth to these precious humans and we just want to protect them, shower them in affection, and delight in them. This book lays out in easy-to-understand terms why we should focus on maintaining a close relationship with our kids instead of fretting over behaviors we don't like. It hands back the responsibility and onus to parents in creating and keeping close, secure attachments with our children and making sure we are there for them as they move through developmental stages.And as my husband and I have been shifting our perspective in alignment with the ideas discussed in this book and implemented some of the advice, we have noticed a marked difference in our home. Behavior seems to be improving, but more prominently, we are ENJOYING our time with our kids more. I cannot recommend this book enough!
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